Day 1 (again)

Sigh. I'm back to Day 1 of sobriety after making it 34 days. I thought I could have a glass of wine, because I was cured. As a surprise to no one except myself, I can't have just one glass of wine. I can have two bottles of wine apparently. But not just one glass. 

So here I am. Back at the beginning. I once again feel like crap. Both physically and mentally. Asking myself questions like, "Why do I do this to myself?" and "What made you think this glass would be different?". The thing about not drinking for over a month and then over-indulging is that I forgot what a hangover felt like. I forgot both the emotional hangover of feeling like a failure and the physical hangover of just feeling sick. 

This time, though, I feel different. Over the last 34 days I've had this suspicion that I could drink like a regular person. That because I had abstained for so long I was fixed and there would be no more problems. I was very wrong. I'm writing this down, so next time I start this thinking I can read this post and remember how disgusting I feel. That I can't have just one. That it isn't worth it and then I'm letting everyone down. Especially myself. No more thinking that I can control myself. I can't. And I won't. 

I started this blog for myself. To keep myself accountable. 

So let's go, Day 1. I'm ready to kick your ass.